AlzLove: Feeling mistreated? The Lord has chosen you to help your loved one and He sees your heart.

Colossians 3:23-24, the Apostle Paul instructs believers: "Whatever you do, work at it with your whole being, for the Lord and not for men."

To be anointed as the caregiver of your loved one with Alzheimer’s is a walk like no other. What is so challenging about this disease is that no two walks are the same. There is no perfect guidebook with instructions. It affects the brain differently for each person. If you are currently a caregiver, you know that you have seen days that may have brought you to your knees. The journey of being a caregiver may be the hardest walk of your life. My prayer today is for you to see your life through your Heavenly Father’s eyes and know that you are truly seen as a blessing to your loved one. God loves you. The scripture above, Colossians 3:23-24, is a beautiful message from Apostle Paul where he shares a new perspective. Apostle Paul is instructing that when you do each loving task for your loved one, remember to do it with all your heart and for the Lord. The Lord will guide your steps and show up in ways that only He can do. He knows that this journey is difficult, and He knows that oftentimes you may feel mistreated, unloved and unwanted.

Our Heavenly Father never said that this life would be easy, but He did say that He would never leave us or forsake us.

Some of you may have heard of the term “Sundowners”. I experienced this with my mom early on after her initial diagnosis. To watch my once fun-loving mom slowly change into a mean-spirited angry person was extremely difficult for me. My mom was my best friend, my confidant, and my rock. That person that I once knew was slowly disappearing in front of my eyes and it was heartbreaking.

Once diagnosed my mom's sundowners became very apparent. For those of you who are unfamiliar with sundowners it is when the mood of the person with Alzheimer's becomes dark when the sun goes down. It is common for sundowners' patients to have severe mood swings and significant memory loss during this time. They have a tendency to lash out at their loved ones unexpectedly.

My once sweet, adorable mother who never said anything unkind to anyone her entire life became an absolute terror when sundowners arrived and sometimes it even showed up in the mornings, too.

What do you do when caring for your loved ones hurts so much that even when they are being cared for in Assisted Living you literally do not want to show up to see them anymore? What do you do when you are doing everything you can to help your loved one but feel mistreated, and possibly abused? After all, would they even know due to their significant memory loss if it was one week or three weeks before you visited them again? Their care is expensive so you might as well take advantage of someone else having to deal with their sundowners and continuous mood swings, right?

Wrong.

Deep down I knew this was when my mom needed me the most. I got on my knees and pleaded with my Lord Jesus to either take this cup from me or give me a solution to not be my mom’s punching bag every time I saw her. The only solution that I came up with that seemed to always work was to pray! One day, as I read my daily scriptures I came across a passage in Colossians: “Whatever you do, work at it with your whole being, for the Lord and not for men, because you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as your reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

I praise Jesus because when I called on the Lord, He truly answered. If I prayed before I saw my mom, I found that He would “hold” my heart when she would be verbally abusive. I could see the situation through His eyes now and know that it was not her speaking to me, but it was her lashing out at the disease that was slowly overtaking her body. My Heavenly Father did not stop there. He also sent amazing people that came alongside me and helped me during this journey that literally changed my life.

For most assisting living facilities, there is an Activities Director that is responsible for setting up crafts and fun filled afternoons either at the facility or off site. The Director of my mom’s facility was an extremely gifted caregiver by the name of Ellen. Ellen would plan the most amazing Saturday events! I started to attend and eventually I was able to entice my mom to join in the fun, too! My mom and I finally started to enjoy our Saturdays again! But before I started participating in Ellen's fun activities on Saturdays, I initially found myself trying to create happy events with her all by myself which never seemed to work! This was probably due to my lack of knowledge of Alzheimer's and knowing how to effectively reach her. I was exhausted from trying and I knew I was failing miserably.

Jesus pressed on my heart that in order to stay in the "safe zone" around my mom's sundowners I should plan my visits with my mom around Ellen’s events. During Ellen's events I was around other people which seemed to tame mom's spirit. I noticed that mom rarely lashed out at me in front of other people! In addition, Ellen's events always elicited joy and peace within all of the residents. Ellen seemed to plan an activity for every holiday, football game, birthday, and sometimes she would plan events even when there was nothing to celebrate. The residents loved her energy, love, and excitement that she brought to an otherwise boring Saturday.

I realized that Ellen lovingly put in a great deal of effort to create such a lovely time for the residents every week. I also realized that I could volunteer and help her which gave me a way to serve and truly feel needed. Volunteering with Ellen opened my eyes and gave me the opportunity to help not only my mom but the other residents as well. The other residents' relatives also started showing up more on the weekends because of the growing excitement. I had a chance to get to know them, too and I did not feel so alone anymore.

What started out as a verbal flogging for me on Saturdays became a fun-filled afternoon of heartfelt memories thanks to Ellen's creative planning and beautiful heart. There is power in prayer, and I learned from Ellen how to create a positive fun filled environment for everyone while volunteering.

Pictured is a photo that Ellen took of my mom, and my daughter and me after a planned Luau party. This is one of my favorite photos of my caregiving days. The events that Ellen prepared were so positive and uplifting that it was hard for anyone with sundowners to have a sad or angry demeanor in the facility in general. I was truly grateful that I learned how important it was to volunteer and how to create a wonderful atmosphere of love.

Let us pray: 

Lord Jesus, thank You for showing me how to love the unlovable. At first, I felt invisible, and I felt responsible for my mom's happiness. I worked tirelessly without asking You for assistance. Thank You for putting me in a situation that brought me to my knees and forced me to look up and ask for your help. Thank You for sending Ellen into my life to help teach me how to enjoy time with my mom instead of dreading it. I learned that whatever I do to work at it with my whole being, for you Lord and not for men. Lord Jesus, the memories that I have of my mom during this time are some of the most incredible memories of my life that only happened because You called me to serve! I am so grateful that I was able to draw closer to you during this journey. The gifts of wonderful memories that were created with my mom will be cherished forever in my heart. Jesus, You truly are the light of the world and thank You for leading me and guiding me and teaching me to be more like You. You truly bring the beauty out of ashes.

Amen.

Here are a few events that we did with Ellen:

Miniature golf with a putter and ball return

Fashion show

Painting

Crafts

Bowling with plastic ball and pins

Balloon toss

Hat day

Fishing from a baby pool with rubber duckies

Beauty day with nail polishing

Valentine’s Day party.