AlzLove: Feeling unprotected? Let God protect you and your heart during these difficult times.

Matthews 13 16-17

"But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it."

“It is the disease speaking, not your mom…” declared my husband when I walked in the door with tears streaming down my face after spending a very challenging day with my mom.

I had often wondered what it would be like to know a person’s thoughts. A “nonfiltered” version of what was truly on their minds. Now, it seemed that I had been given such an opportunity. As the advanced stages of Alzheimer's slowly crept around my mother’s brain, she could no longer filter any of her thoughts. I heard everything, and I mean everything.

What do you do when you carve out that precious time with your loved one and anticipate a heartfelt day of memories and fun activities but return home feeling like you just witnessed the worst day of your life?

My husband held me close, and the tears continued to fall. “You are doing everything right.” He said softly in my ear.

“But her words are evil, mean-spirited, and anger filled” I replied. I truly felt like I was my mom’s personal punching bag, and my spirit was taking quite a beating.

To try to truly understand the thoughts and words of a loved one with Alzheimer's is a mystery even to the best of doctors.

I did start to notice later in my walk of Alzheimer's with my mother that for some odd reason, she seemed to mirror my mood whenever I was with her. If I was in a good mood, then she seemed to be in a good mood. If I was stressed, then she became stressed. If was happy, then she was happy. 

Could it be that the awful disease of Alzheimer's had the capability of taking away her ability to know how to feel basic emotions, too? My mother was an expert at hiding her dementia for many, many years. It was always important to her to come across to others with dignity and respect. I wondered if my mom’s Alzheimer's had progressed to her relying on my mood as being the correct mood of the day so that she wouldn’t call attention to the fact that she didn’t know how to feel.

Oh… the thought of this made my heart break even more for my mother.

What a tough journey she was on during her waking hours!

After this possibility sunk in… I tried to make it a point to show up in a good mood. But how could I guarantee that I would be in a good mood every time I visited her?   If I waited to be in a good mood, it could be weeks before I made a visit! It was a challenging season for me at the time, and it was often hard for me to find my smile. I felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders along with being her caregiver. I was exhausted, and every day my goal was to just get through it.

Do you feel the same? I highly recommend that you ask Jesus to show up in a big way. Jesus is a gentleman, and He likes to be invited into your life.

When you find that you are having more bad days than good days when caring for your loved one, try and lift up your heart to the Lord before you spend time with them. Ask Him to fill your heart up with the fruits of the spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23). Journal any heavy concerns you may be carrying and lay them at the cross for your Heavenly Father to carry for you and sing worship songs to lift your spirit. Ask your Heavenly Father to give you the peace that surpasses all understanding and put on that armor of God (Ephesians 6-11-18). Plan an activity to do together when you are with them. It can be as simple as a coloring book and crayons or watch a movie together.

Are you guaranteed a perfect day? Unfortunately, no, but you are growing closer to your Heavenly Father through this journey, and you are loving your loved one in the best manner possible. Even if your actions of love are not received in the way you intended, you are still being the hands and feet of Jesus. 

In a caregiver role, we often reverse roles with our parents. Can you remember a time when you were acting out as a child and your parents still loved you anyway?

My husband was right. It truly was the voice of the disease speaking as Alzheimer's is an ugly and mean disease. Had my mother been of sound mind, she would never have spoken those words to me. I learned to ignore the unkind words that she would speak to me. Instead of getting angry, I would look straight into her eyes and tell her how much I loved her. I held deep in my heart the knowledge that she was being held captive in a body that was no longer obedient to doing what she wanted. I realized that what I was hearing was her screaming at the disease and not me.

Did it work every time? Unfortunately, no, because this life here on earth is unpredictable. But I can say that it worked more times than not in diffusing the situation instead of escalating it.

Let us pray:

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Please give us eyes to see and ears to hear through the Alzheimer's journey. Let us know when we can turn a deaf ear to the throws of Satan and see our loves ones through your eyes so that we can love them with a greater understanding.

Thank you that you never leave us or forsake us. Thank you that no matter what is going on in our lives that you walk every step with us. Father for every tear that we cry, you cry with us and for every angry word that pierces our soul, you feel it, too. You died on the cross for our sins and you know what it is like to be unjustly tried for doing what is right. You know what it feels like to be a caregiver because you care and love each and every one of us no matter how we behave. You told us to forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22) and not to hold bitterness in our hearts.

Father, thank you for the tools that you give us… the armor of God, the fruits of the spirits, our family and friends that are there walking beside us during this journey. 

Thank you for teaching how to love the unlovable and to be able to dance in the rain because in this world there will be trouble, but you have overcome the world

Amen.

Written by, Caroline Hotmer, Founder of AlzLove