AlzLove: Feeling overcommitted? Keep faith in God as you seek His blessings and guidance in caring for your loved ones.

Leviticus 19:32

"You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord."

After my mom's initial diagnosis of MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment) from her neurologist in Columbia S.C., the neurologist then recommended that we reach out to the Emory Brain Health Center in Atlanta, GA for further evaluation. The Cognitive Neurology Program at the Emory Brain Health Center was able to assist me with a more detailed diagnosis and evaluation of my mom to determine next steps for her ideal care.

Emory offered an intense 6-week study onsite at the Emory Brain Health Center. After the study, my mom was diagnosed with Dementia (with emerging Alzheimer’s). The Emory team assessed our current situation and gently let me know that at her level of dementia that I wasn’t equipped to be able to care for her on a day-to-day basis in my home any longer. They highly recommended Assisted Living. We decided together that Assisted Living would be the best decision for my mom's care and safety.

It was a big move, but we managed to find a place that my mom liked and thankfully, it was located near my which made it easy to visit. After a few months, mom finally settled into her new life at the assisted living facility. I started to breathe again with less responsibility and less worry about her wellbeing.

My new role gave me the chance to carve out wonderful quality time to spend with my mom, which was what I truly wanted. Instead of dragging her to the dentist, the dentist came to her. Instead of taking her to get her hair done, they had a hairdresser arrive weekly at the facility to do her hair.

I settled into a happy routine of shopping and lunch with my mom almost weekly. Mom always needed something at the end of the week and instead of guessing what she needed, I would enjoy watching her pick it out.

However, as months turned into years this "fun" routine started to become stressful and expensive. My mom seemed to put more and more items into her cart each week. As her dementia continued to progress its way around her brain, this sweet “mother-daughter” time was starting to be a distressing and pricey event for me. As I purposely tried to put items back on the shelf that she really didn’t need, we would often find ourselves in a heated argument right in the middle of the store! I was on a set budget for my mom since her cost of living shot up with the monthly expense of assisted living, and running out of money was not an option.

The peaceful outings that I had originally planned started to not be so fun anymore. I needed to step in and “be the parent” but it was not easy taking things away from her. I started to hate taking her shopping and I even began dreaded it.

But I had been assigned an important role in caring for my mother. As stated in Leviticus 19:32:

"Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the Lord.”

I couldn’t shirk my responsibility of getting her what she needed. I needed to fulfill it. I needed to stand up for my mom and protect her and make sure she had the items that she needed at the facility while at the same time, not allow her to break the bank.

I knew that my Heavenly Father was trying to teach me something in this walk with her, but I was at a loss on what He was teaching me, and I knew that His ways were greater than my ways, and I needed to learn from this situation. I opened my heart once again to my Lord Jesus in prayer and I asked him point blank, “How do I handle this situation?”  

Finally, the day came where I wasn’t in the mood to fight with her over every item she put in the basket, and we ended up in line with a cart full of items that made the basket overflow with what she deemed important. I was reaching the breaking point where I didn’t want to fight with her any longer and just let her get whatever she wanted. I was giving in, and she was winning when I was in charge but giving her control.

As we reached the checkout, my mom suddenly looked at the cart, and asked me,

“Is this your basket?” I did a double take because every item she put in the basket, she had personally selected, and none of it was mine. I said, “Mom, this is YOUR basket.” 

“NO, it is NOT!” she quickly barked back at me. At that moment, I sadly realized how far along her dementia had progressed and that I needed to rethink the shopping experience altogether.

I let the manager know that I had an issue that I needed to take care of and at this point, we would not be purchasing the items. I drove home still in total disbelief. I got home and shared my dilemma with my husband. He looked at me with his loving eyes and said, “I have an idea!” I perked up and said, "Please tell me what you are thinking.”

My husband asked, “How about I go with you each week?" As your mom picks out the items, you signal to me if she really needs it, and if not, you distract her, and I will take it out of the basket and put it back on the shelf.” 

The following week, my husband joined me. It worked! My husband and I worked together to strategically get only the items she really needed, and we enjoyed spending time together as well. We would smile at each other when he was sneaking things out of her cart, which lightened the shopping experience for everyone. Roger loved the fact that he could help us both navigate this tough journey, and my mom never knew the difference, but the bank account certainly did. We avoided buying unnecessary items, while she enjoyed the shopping experience and spending time with her loved ones.

Is it ok to sneak behind your loved one? Good question! I believe that if it is directly influencing the limited bank account and their wellbeing, you need to adjust. I loved the scripture guidance that we are to stand up for our loved ones and protect them. 

Let us pray:

Thank you, Lord Jesus, that you show us that if we reach out to You, that you always have an answer and a way. You are the truth, and You are our light directing our path even if it is through other people that show us Your ways. Let us always know that Your ways are better than our ways.

Thank You for showing me Lord Jesus that we should face our problems head on and to let You guide our steps. When we are weak, You are strong! We praise You, Lord Jesus!

Amen.

Written by Caroline Hotmer, Founder of AlzLove

URL for additional information on Emory Healthcare Cognitive Neurology program, Emory Brain Health Center:

https://www.emoryhealthcare.org