AlzLove: Feeling like a liar? How to learn how to meet them where they are in His love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

My mother was a retired schoolteacher who taught 7th grade English for over 30 years.

I recall walking into her room one afternoon with my husband at her assisted living place and her brow was furrowed, and she was visibly upset. She began talking to me through clenched teeth and she was wringing her hands in distress. I acknowledged that she was upset, and I asked, “What’s wrong, Mom?”

She blurted out “School starts on Monday, and I have not purchased my supplies! I need so many things!”

As my husband watched me dance a dance of little white lies with my mother to calm her down, his mouth hung open at how easily I slid into a “Let’s pretend it is1979 for my mom” role.

“No problem!” I exclaimed, “Let me make a list for you.”

I grabbed a pen and paper and told her to tell me everything she needed so that I could go to the store and pick it up for her. “Teacher planner!” “Pens!”  “3 ring binder, and notebook paper!” She continued until she had blurted out about 15 items.

For my mom, she woke up that morning in 1979, but in reality, the calendar on her bedside table clearly stated 2015. 

I guess I even surprised myself at how easily I slipped into her world of 1979. I was grateful to my Lord Jesus for putting me into a position where He could teach me heavenly love. I could not boast that it was not 1979, and I was kind instead of angry, and I was patient with her as I lived in her moment of life that was important to her. I felt blessed to be given the opportunity to learn how love like Jesus did when He walked this earth. The silver lining shone once again through the storm of dementia. To be called "the hands and feet of Jesus" was an anointing like no other. It gave me the true meaning of love.

Once the list was completed, I reassured her that I would purchase the items that afternoon and she would be ready for school on Monday.

Did I purchase the items?

No.

Once the problem in her head was solved, her mind was at ease. Her smile returned, and she never again brought up the school supplies or school starting on Monday.

Now, had that happened a few years earlier, the outcome would have been entirely different. I would have spent the entire afternoon trying to convince her that she retired years ago and there was no reason to buy supplies. We both would have ended our afternoon in tears, frustration, and anger at each other.

To my mom, her reality was as real to her as mine was to me. For me, it was 2015 and my mom had Dementia in assisted living and her brain was slowly succumbing to the disease.

For my mom, it was 1979 and school started on Monday.

Both of these mindsets were as real as the nose on our face.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. We decided to have Thanksgiving as a family at mom’s facility. As I was about to knock on the door, I noticed that she had taped a note on her door for her brother to join us:

“Sonny! Meet me down...cafeteria... I am all set to go!"

I looked at my husband as tears started to lightly roll down my cheeks.

My mom’s brother died about 15 years ago of cancer. He wouldn’t be joining us today for Thanksgiving dinner, but to my mom, he was alive and well!

Did I remove the note from her door? Did I tell her that Sonny would not be joining us because he passed away years ago?

No, I just smiled and gave her a great big Thanksgiving hug when she answered the door.

I praised Jesus that I was able to witness such love that my mom had for her brother.

We all enjoyed the Thanksgiving dinner, and she never spoke about her brother.

I did take the note off of her door as I was leaving as a keepsake. I had no idea how many Thanksgivings we would have left together. 

It is a precious memory I will never forget.

Let’s pray:

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Thank You for teaching me what love truly is by dying on the cross for not only my sins but the sins of the whole world. Thank you for teaching me that it is more important to be loving and kind to others instead of being right. Thank you for showing me how to love my mother through this difficult time and for allowing me to show up in whatever year she woke up in that morning. Your love is patient, Your love is kind. Your love does not envy, it does not boast, and it is not proud. Your love does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Thank You for loving me, Lord Jesus, as I could not love if You had not loved me first.

Amen

Written by Caroline Hotmer, Founder of AlzLove

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