AlzLove: Feeling anxious? Live in faith and not in fear as you care for your loved one.

Philippians 4:4-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I remember visiting my mom at her home with my husband and kids about 15 years ago.  After dinner, I was helping her clean the dishes and I noticed a handwritten note that was taped to the refrigerator.

It read:

“In an emergency, please contact Caroline Hotmer” along with my address and phone number.

I thought to myself

“How sweet…”

I lived over four hours away, but it warmed my heart that she wanted me contacted in case of an emergency. I adored my mom. She was always there for me, and she had seen her fair share of trials in life. My mom was notorious for always overcoming and rising to the top in any situation. She was truly my inspiration in life and showed me through her trials to never stop being all that you could be.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my mom was showing early stages of Alzheimer’s, and she had selected me as the point of contact in case something happened.

While at the time, I thought it was sweet.

However, I never understood what her note on the refrigerator meant until about five years later.

I remember vividly the surprising call I received from the Sheriff on an otherwise uneventful day. It took a minute to figure out why I was being called by a Sheriff and as his words unfolded the hair started to rise on the back of my neck. He was stating that my mom had called the police saying her purse was stolen by her hired plumber. The twist in the story was that my mom had actually called three plumbers on the same day but only recalled hiring one. The police shared with me that they found three plumbers' invoices on the counter by the time they arrived. The police asked her to describe her purse, but she described three different colored purses to the sheriff over the span of about an hour and her “stolen” purse was eventually found tucked away in her closet unharmed.

The Sheriff was polite with me, but his message was clear that my mom was no longer safe to live alone. He reiterated that he would be stopping by her home in the next week or so and if she was found alone then he would have no other choice but to call Adult Protective Services.

How could I have been so blind and not know my mom’s memory was beyond an “old age” memory state and that she had reached a point of no return and was not able to live alone any longer?

To my defense, I immediately moved her to Atlanta to stay with us. I enrolled her in a six-week Emory Dementia study in Atlanta so that a proper diagnosis could be found.

It turned out that my mom was a very smart woman and was a master of hiding her dementia. She fooled the Emory staff for five out of the six weeks. The sixth week she finally showed the depth of her dementia by being unable to recall any of the prior day's activities which included the staff telling her that she could no longer live alone. She exploded in an emotional outburst of anger at Emory for about twenty minutes in front of several staff members. She remembered none of that outburst the following day. The Emory staff had never seen anything like it.

Eventually I was named POA, (Power of Attorney) and I was anointed caregiver for my mom. It was an overwhelming and confusing time, particularly since I found myself in this position unexpectedly.

There seemed to be more questions than answers and the more answers that I was given only seemed to draw more questions! 

When I was designated as the POA for my mom I felt a sense of relief that I could finally help her but as the hard decisions started to arrive endlessly, I remember being in tears almost every day.

My journey with my mom lasted for over a decade and I would have to say that making decisions about my mom on her behalf was one the hardest responsibilities I have ever had to carry in my life. Keep in mind… I had already raised two children!

How would I know which decision was the best one for her? I would find myself second guessing myself over and over and at the point of exhaustion and then I usually went with my gut. 

Is going with your gut the best way to make a decision for your loved one?

My wonderful Christian friends told me to take each decision to the Lord. It made sense, but it wasn’t like I would receive a phone call with my Heavenly Father telling me what to do, although that would have been wonderful!

But I pressed on and I took my cares and requests to the Lord in prayer over every decision. What I started to notice is that when I made a decision and found that I was totally at peace after I made the decision then it seemed to always turn out right.

When I made a decision and was not at peace after the decision was made it always seemed that I had made the wrong decision. Once I had made a decision if it was the wrong one, I would feel this gnawing feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right even though on paper it may have seemed to be the most logical choice at the time. I learned to quickly make adjustments if I received that gnawing feeling after a decision was made and I started to feel much closer to my Heavenly Father through prayer. It wasn’t this clear as I walked my mother through the entire journey as hindsight truly is 20/20 but I highly recommend that you take your cares to the Lord and let Him direct your path and listen to His still small voice and receive a sense of Heavenly peace after each decision. Take your cares to the Lord as His peace is a peace like no other.

Let us pray:

Dear Heavenly Father,

It is written in Psalm 55:22 that we should "Cast our burden on the Lord and He will sustain us; He will never permit the righteous to be moved."

I thank you Heavenly Father for directing my path as I made countless decisions about my mom over the years. Thank You for giving me knowledge and wisdom that You pressed on my heart to be able to care and provide for her during her journey of Alzheimer's. You sustained me, Lord Jesus and You carried the burden for me as I walked this path with You for my mom. Father, You allowed me to be Your hands and feet of Jesus, and You prompted my spirit in making hard decisions when I did not know what to do. Jesus, You held me up and breathed life into my soul when I felt like I was incapable of the task before me. You provide not only peace, but You gave me so many wonderful, heartfelt memories of spending time with my mom that I would not have otherwise had. You touched my life and showed me how to seek Your will, not my will, as I was carrying this God-given duty to fulfill. You armed with me the Armor of God and You filled me up with the fruits of the spirit to be a warrior for You, Lord Jesus. Now that my mother is dancing in heaven with You, I praise You Lord Jesus for all of the things that You did for me during that anointed time. To be chosen as a caregiver and be there for someone when they need you the most is the greatest of callings for life here on earth. Thank You for calling me Yours.

Amen

Written by, Caroline Hotmer, Founder of AlzLove